Muslims discover risks, rewards in interfaith unions

August 16, 2002|By Colleen Mastony, Tribune staff reporter.

Source:Chicago Tribune

Mohammed Aboushousha is a Muslim. His wife, Anne, is a devoted Catholic. Married eight years and still practicing their separate religions, the south suburban couple are raising their daughter Catholic and likely to raise their son Muslim.

"There may be 100 different ways" to make such a complex partnership work, said Anne Aboushousha. "With a mother and daughter Christian and a father and son Muslim, it may not work for any other family."

Unlike Christian-Jewish couples, who can draw on a long list of books and support groups for advice, couples like the Aboushoushas have had few resources to help them navigate the territory of interfaith relationships.

But as their numbers grow, some organizations are reaching out.

At a weekend conference in Chicago starting Friday, the Dovetail Institute for Interfaith Family Resources, a group that supports Catholic-Jewish marriages, is offering a small seminar on Muslim intermarriages. Harold Vogelaar, a Lutheran School of Theology professor, will lead the discussion Sunday with help from his Muslim wife.

"Intermarriage is such a hot-button topic," said Mary Rosenbaum, Dovetail executive director. "It takes a lot of work for many couples. This seminar is an experiment for us, but the perception is that [Muslim intermarriages] are growing fast."

At the Islamic Society of North America, based in Plainfield, Ind., interfaith marriages now account for 30 percent of yearly marriage ceremonies performed there, said Sayyid Syeed, the secretary general.

For such couples, questions can range from how to orchestrate a marriage ceremony--should a Muslim bride of Indian descent wear a traditional red sari to her Christian wedding?--to how to raise the children. Christian? Muslim? Or a third religion altogether?

The advice on religion could apply to many issues in a marriage. "Know each other's faith. Know your own faith. Be open to learning. Ask the hard questions.... Talk about how the children will be raised ahead of time," Vogelaar said.

Worries keep some silent

Reactions to such relationships can be strong, especially after Sept 11. Even Vogelaar is reluctant to talk publicly about his own marriage, in part out of fear of the reaction from the Muslim community.

According to Islamic law, Muslim men can marry Jewish or Christian women, considered "People of the Book," as Islam recognizes Moses and Jesus as prophets and the Torah and Gospels as revelations from God. The presumption in such marriages is that the children would be raised as Muslims.

But non-Muslim men who want to marry Muslim women must convert, scholars say, and people who do not follow the rules can face ostracism.

When Asma Ali, 28, announced her engagement to an Episcopalian, her father didn't talk to her for a year. She and her husband, Andrew Curtis, 29, of Streeterville, are now a year into the marriage and their families have come around. But that didn't end the sense of isolation.

"The hardest thing about it was that we couldn't find anyone who had done it before," Ali said. "People `marry out,' but no one knows what happens to them.... They kind of drop off the face of the Earth."

The couple have tried to practice both religions--in a kind of separate but equal arrangement.

They had two wedding ceremonies, one Muslim, the other Episcopalian. He said the "shahadah," the equivalent of conversion, at the Muslim ceremony, though he continues to consider himself an Episcopalian.

She goes to church with him on Sundays but doesn't take Communion. He fasted with her through the holy month of Ramadan in the past year and sometimes joins her for one of her five daily prayers.

"There are clerics who say that I might not even be Muslim anymore," Ali said. "But I think it has made me a stronger Muslim to be married to Andy.... When you have to explain to someone who doesn't know, it makes you think about why you believe."

Other couples have opted for the less complicated route, choosing one religion.

"I've kind of joined my wife's family," said Umar Ali, 30, of Park Ridge, who grew up in an observant family and identifies himself as Muslim, but considers himself more of a spiritual agnostic. His wife is Catholic.

The couple decided to raise their child Catholic and had their 9-month-old daughter baptized in a private ceremony recently. Living in the United States, "it's just easier that way," he said.

Children are a `reality check'

For many, religion doesn't become an issue until the arrival of children. "That was the reality check," said Mohammed Aboushousha, 37.

He had agreed that their children would be raised Catholic before the marriage. But he was later haunted by guilt and found himself crying at his daughter's baptism.

"It was the hardest thing," he said. "I'm always going to be hoping they are going to be Muslim."

For the last two years, Rita George Tvrtkovic has helped organize a weekend series for Muslim-Christian couples at Cenacle Retreat House in Chicago. The most recent retreat attracted about 20 people from across the country, primarily through word of mouth, she said.

"People are just desperate for resources," Tvrtkovic said. "We had this idea and all of a sudden we had people coming forward saying, `Yes! We need this.'"

The conference will start Friday at Makom Shalom, 635 S. Dearborn St., and will continue Saturday and Sunday at the Union League Club, 65 W. Jackson Blvd.